Heartbreak.

I have found myself at the twisting end of my endeavors. In control.

But now, I always give too much of myself and getting broken.

Why is it so bad to be so fully honest? Why do you have to play games?

No more of this madness.

I'll play your petty games.

I'm slapping a coy smile on my face, a sway in my hips, and a little tension in my touch. I'll flirt with the other guys, mess with your head, make you so miserable that you fall in love with me.

If you want to play this game.

Workaholic

I moved out of my dorm Wednesday night, took a deep breath, and looked at the landscape ahead.

I had nothing planned. Beside a dance camp and a week long trip to Puerto Rico. So much free time! I thought of everything I wanted to do... remodeling, cooking, acting classes, self studying graphic design, mastering a violin piece.

Home drove me crazy, and by Thursday night I applied for 10 jobs.

And here I am, three interviews and two weeks later, working two part-time internships.

And I am tired.

Doing church things, helping run a household, and maintaining a social life is exhausting while working! And I think about work all the time. I have projects I need to catch up tonight and tomorrow. This week I've been constantly on the move, working. I like to do it all. The only free time I have is from 12 am - 4 am. Haha.

I'm not complaining, because it's something I've chosen to do [well, most of it. some of the burden is favors for friends and family] but I just think... I have the personality to become a workaholic when I grow up. Heck, I am an adult now. I am a workaholic now.

So depressing.

messed up families.

Three friends are discussing a friend who has a psychotic mom. Describing her.

Sounds just like my dad.

I won't ever escape the dysfunction. 

I'm so messed up. So many horrible flaws and cracks and holes

Sometimes I don't know if I'll be okay.

Starbucks

There's something I hate about Starbucks. I can't quite pull that annoying thread out, but it itches to no end. Maybe it's found in the same tiles, same two dim amber  lamps hanging over that circular barista table extension that a silent, awkward harangue of people, trying to look important and busy , so hungrily surround with crossed arms. Waiting for their fix.

Or maybe it's the scent of hope, with that first coffeeshop date in the corner. Or a mirage, as the girl with the Macbook uses it as fuel for that first novel she'll never finish.

What is it, the element that makes us so addicted to the elixir? It's not just coffee, right -- or we would be sipping McCafes.

When I buy that Java Chip Frappucino or Chai Latte, I feel assurance. Assurance that I am my life is so full of important tasks that I need backup, assurance that I can afford this simple pleasure. Weird thing is, I don't even like coffee. (For that reason, I don't dig tiramisu.) Yet at least once a month, you can find me toes tapping, arms crossed, waiting for my Caramel Macchiato, avoiding eye contact.

It makes me a materialistic American girl, yes. But that's what I am. 

Tomorrow I am a College Student

But more importantly, tomorrow I am free. 

I really can't wait to get out of this house.

"I don't feel happy when I come home," so said a fellow youth leader during our day long youth meeting on Sunday. I looked at him with complete understanding. 

Seventeen years I have been placated and ripped apart, leashed and tied to a closed door, abused and stifled, dried up of any sanity or peace that I managed to sneak in. I drowned myself in Facebook as an escape. Sometimes I wondered if I would have gotten better grades if I hadn't spent so much time 'social networking,' but then I remembered so many heart wrenching chats, advice, encouragement... would I still even be alive?

I say I'm only on campus for my first year, but I never want to come back.

Broad goals: I'll write them out more specifically, later.

Goals by graduation/academically

1. Graduate summa cum laude.

2. Graduate cum laude.

3. Know exactly what I'll be doing for the next four years after.

4. Have a source of income (job, business, book)

Other focuses

1. Church youth ministry

2. GYC and evangelizing in the Washington Metro area.

3. Mastering "wife/life'' skills: Cooking, cleaning, parenting, household management.

4. Be at a healthier weight. 

5. Be crackling with purpose & drive.

//we'll make the great escape//

5. Built up a killer wardrobe.